2 problems
1: The vocals. They're overdone - your voice just isn't raspy like you're trying to make it sound. Use effects or get someone who can speak like that better.
2: The cymbals. They kind of form the spine of your piece, holding it together, but the rhythm is either reasonably complicated, there isn't one, or i just don't get it. Simplify them - when they cut in at 00:41, they have potential, but the times aren't exactly right, at least not in my ears.
Overall, though, very good. I appreciate you thrashing out a back story BEFORE you write the music rather than after.